She won’t survive.
These words haunted me both times I lost my daughters. One at 18 weeks gestation and the other at 22 weeks. I can remember every detail so vividly, and can still feel that deep sorrow in my soul. I can still hear myself weeping behind curtain walls, questioning if there was something wrong with me and why I couldn’t protect them. My nurse quietly crying while she tried to comfort me. She held me with such grace.
Child loss is a life altering, character changing event that many silently go through. It’s one of those topics of conversation that can make time stand still.
Here are some tips to help you navigate the loss of a child:
1. Extend yourself grace & forgiveness
I was angry for a long time. Angry at the healthcare system and angry at myself. But I knew in order for me to survive and for my relationship with my partner to survive, I needed to forgive myself. Grief can be an ugly process and sometimes you won’t even recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror. Giving yourself grace to feel everything can be deeply healing. You can make it through it even if you feel you can’t.
2. Don’t be embarrassed to accept help
Many people would ask what they could do to help. Food was the best act of love we could receive at the time. Deep nourishment not only helped heal my body after loss but also took a huge weight off our minds when we felt crippled by grief. We also allowed those closest to us to clean our home when we needed help. Having a clean space allowed me and my partner to grieve in peace.
3. Spirituality & Ritual Creation
The grieving process can seem endless at times but it truly is the little things that make it bearable. For me it was asking my family to continue talking about them. Saying their names made me feel like they weren’t forgotten. Then over the years, my partner and I had established little rituals to remember them by. Cupcakes on their birthdays, new christmas ornaments every year for the tree, memorial tattoos, art pieces made in memory of them, a dedicated space in our home with their urns surround by plants and crystals, a memorial garden in our yard with their birth flowers. Whatever spiritual source you believe in can help bring a sense of connection & peace.
4. Don’t forget your partner
Even if your partner didn’t physically go through the loss, they are still grieving. Being able to come together to grieve and realizing that this event will change the both of you and not using that against each other is so important. My partner often felt he needed to push away his emotions so that he could care for me which was damaging for our relationship. Acknowledging and working through the pain together allowed for us to see and accept the new versions of ourselves that we had become.
Trust me, I get how numbing the loss of a child can be, but finding a way to pull yourself out of that will be the best thing for yourself and your relationships long term. I see you. I am you. You got this.
With love,
Vanessa
Owner of La Bruja Blanca Apothecary
In loving memory of Eva & Alicia 
